Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft: Key Ideas, Critiques and Safety

Why Does He Do That? is Lundy Bancroft's book about men who abuse and control their partners. It argues that abuse comes from what a man believes he is owed, not from a temper he cannot manage.

This guide is commentary, not a replacement for the book, which you can borrow from a library or find at a bookstore.

What Is the Main Message of Why Does He Do That?

Bancroft's main message is that abuse is a problem of values and beliefs, not anger or lost control. In his account, a man who abuses his partner acts on entitlement: his needs come first, he may control her, and she is to blame when things go wrong.

If you quietly wonder whether being calmer or more careful would make it stop, in Bancroft's account it would not: the behaviour does not come from how you handle him.

Who Is Lundy Bancroft, and Is He a Psychologist?

None of the author descriptions we checked call him a psychologist. Penguin Random House describes him as a counsellor who works with abusive men and a former co-director of Emerge, which it calls the first US program for abusive men.

What Are the Key Ideas in Why Does He Do That?

The central themes, in our own words:

• →Entitlement, not lost temper. In his account, abuse rests on beliefs about who deserves service, attention and deference; anger can appear, but it is not the cause.
• →Control across daily life. The patterns reach into a partner's choices, money, friendships and time, backed by double standards and blame.
• →Denial and charm. Denying or minimizing what happened, warm stretches and a likeable public face can leave a partner doubting their memory and doubted by others.
• →Abuser types. Bancroft sorts the patterns into profiles, which we do not list: they come from his practice, not tested research, and your safety matters more than a type.

The book also describes early warning signs, which we do not reproduce. No single sign settles the question: if you have started changing what you say, spend, wear or who you see to avoid a reaction, or you are unsure, a helpline listed above can talk it through.

Why Doesn't Anger Management Work for Abusive Partners, According to Bancroft?

In Bancroft's view, anger management misses the point: if entitlement and control drive the behaviour, calming down leaves those beliefs untouched. In an article on programs for men who abuse women, he calls anger management the wrong referral for anyone whose treatment of a partner has involved violence, threats, sexual assault or ongoing verbal abuse (Bancroft, author's website).

A 2005 meta-analysis of thirty-three studies found that men who had used violence against a partner reported moderately higher anger and hostility than men who had not, though how the two connect remains unclear (Norlander and Eckhardt, 2005, Clinical Psychology Review). That does not make anger management the answer where control is the pattern.

Is Couples Counselling Safe If My Partner Is Abusive or Controlling?

Not while abuse or coercive control is ongoing. In the same article, Bancroft calls an abuser program that also offers couples sessions unsuitable, even if staff promise to wait for good progress. He sees joint sessions with a man who abuses his partner as a safety risk for her, and says a program offering them wrongly implies she has a share in whether he changes.

Some readers hope a therapist will make a partner see what he is doing, but where one person uses fear or control, honesty in a session can carry consequences at home. The same caution can apply if a faith leader, family elders or a mediator suggests meeting together; you can ask to speak with them on your own first.

TEO does not provide couples counselling when abuse or coercive control is ongoing. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Can Abusive Men Change, and How Can You Tell Real Change From Manipulation?

Bancroft does not rule change out, but on his website he writes that lasting change is the exception rather than the rule and depends on hard, sustained work and on giving up blaming his partner (Bancroft, author's website). He doubts a typical forty-hour abuser program is enough, suggests staying in one for closer to eighteen to twenty-four months, and urges partners not to put their lives on hold waiting. These are his views, not a timeline.

A 2004 meta-analysis of twenty-two studies of programs for men who abuse their partners found small effects, with minimal impact on reoffending beyond the effect of arrest (Babcock, Green and Robie, 2004, Clinical Psychology Review). That supports his caution; his view of what works also comes from practice, not trials.

To tell real change from manipulation, Bancroft looks for full responsibility without blaming the partner, and treats change as long, hard work; an apology, a burst of charm or joining a program to win someone back is not proof on its own. You can plan for your safety without waiting for anyone to change, and a helpline can help whether you stay, leave or return. If you are in immediate danger, call 911; if you are in crisis, call or text 9-8-8 (Canada, 24/7).

Does Why Does He Do That? Apply to Women Who Abuse, or to Same-Sex Relationships?

Partly. Bancroft uses he for the abusive partner and she for the abused partner, but in an opening note he says much of the book also applies to abusers in same-sex relationships, and a later chapter returns to them (see the publisher's excerpt). Abuse by women gets far less attention.

In Statistics Canada's 2018 survey data, forty-four per cent of women and thirty-six per cent of men who had ever had an intimate partner reported psychological, physical or sexual violence by a partner since age fifteen. Some severe forms were far more prevalent among women, such as being choked (seven per cent of women, one per cent of men), and prevalence was higher among LGBTQ2 women and men (Cotter, 2021, Juristat).

If you are a man or in a same-sex relationship, 2-1-1 can point you to local services. In crisis, call or text 9-8-8 (Canada, 24/7), or call 911 in immediate danger.

What Are the Criticisms of Why Does He Do That? Is It Biased?

The book takes a clear side: it is written for the partners of abusive men.

Built from practice, not tested research

Its descriptions and types come from Bancroft's work with men in US abuser programs, not from studies testing whether the patterns hold. The Ananias Foundation, which runs its own change program for people who have harmed a partner and so has a stake in this debate, made that point in a 2023 blog review and said abuse by women gets about two paragraphs (Ananias Foundation, 2023).

Not written for people who want to change

The same review argues that the book can leave people trying to change feeling ashamed and without hope, and that it misses motives such as retaliation for emotional hurt. That view is contested. Whatever the motive, responsibility for abuse rests with the person using it; a partner's words, hurt or mistakes do not cause or excuse it.

Is Coercive Control a Crime in Canada?

Parliament has made it one, but the offence may not apply yet. The Protecting Victims Act (Bill C-16), which received Royal Assent on June 18, 2026, creates an offence covering a pattern of coercive or controlling conduct toward an intimate partner. Justice Canada says those provisions come into force no later than two years after Royal Assent, to allow for training (Department of Justice Canada).

Police, legal aid or victim services can tell you what applies now; this guide is not legal advice. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Who Should Read This Book, and Who Should Read It With Support?

It may suit anyone making sense of a partner's control. Put safety first if:

• →You live with the person or they might find the book. A library copy read somewhere safe may carry less risk.
• →You plan to confront them with it. Talk to a helpline about a safety plan first; risk can rise around the point of leaving.
• →It brings up fear, flashbacks or self-blame; see our pages on trauma therapy and PTSD therapy.
• →You have caused harm and want to stop. The book was not written for you, but 2-1-1 can point you to local services.

If anyone is in immediate danger, or you fear you might hurt someone, call 911. If you are in crisis, call or text 9-8-8 (Canada, 24/7).

For shame and self-doubt after long-term control, see our guides to Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving and The Body Keeps the Score.

Is Why Does He Do That? Worth Reading?

It can be, read for what it is: a clear framework that puts responsibility on the person using abuse. It rests on practice rather than research, centres men abusing women, and reflects US programs of more than twenty years ago. It is not a safety plan and will not change a partner; pair it with a helpline, someone you trust or a therapist.

How Do the Ideas in Why Does He Do That? Relate to Therapy at TEO?

Therapy can be a place to work on what abuse leaves behind, such as self-doubt, fear or shame, but it does not replace abuse services:

• →TEO is not a partner-abuse intervention program and does not provide domestic abuse advocacy, legal advice, emergency safety services, or couples counselling while abuse or coercive control is ongoing.
• →Sessions are online, so choose a time and place for the consultation where you cannot be overheard, and tell us any times or ways not to contact you.
• →If children live with you, you can ask what a therapist must report before deciding what to share.

Individual therapy after abusive relationships is available with Rola Shbib, Registered Social Worker, RSW (Ontario) #866715, online in English in all six provinces we serve. Her recovery work after emotional and relational abuse is not booked as couples counselling, and safety planning comes first. If part of you still misses the person, our article on trauma bonding explains why that pull can last.

Individual sessions are $150 per 60 minutes, and no referral is needed. The first step is a free 15-minute consultation on a video call or a scheduled phone call, booked online. Book a free consultation, or text (519) 760-5211 with a question, including if you would like to start with Rola. Use contact details and a device the other person cannot check, since booking may send confirmations or reminders and replies go to the number you texted from. This text line is not a crisis service.